I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
