Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
