Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
