i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
