WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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