my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
