she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
