I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
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