I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Randomize
