I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
