I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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