That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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