Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize