they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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