He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
