i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
