tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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