so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
