OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
