I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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