a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
