Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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