i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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