He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
