i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
