woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize