please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
