i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
