Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Randomize
