She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
