i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
