Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
