Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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