I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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