well I can't set my house on fire every night
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
