I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
