Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize