he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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