best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
