I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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