god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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