He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
