There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
