theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
