i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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