sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
