Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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