Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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