I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
