OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
