I can text with my tongue
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
