I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
