You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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