it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
