therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
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