I'm eating all of the evidence.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
