I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
