I am spending my child support on dildos
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
